How to 'feel seen' in academia

Plus references to a late-90s television classic and a mid-90s alt-rock classic. (GenXers and early Millennials, this one is for you!)

Hello and welcome to Academia Made Easier. I am so glad that you are here.  

Like all good Gen Xers, I was (and remain) a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan. Buffy was many things I wanted (and still want) to be: witty, powerful, and supported by a loyal gang of friends who helped her battle the (literal) demons and monsters in her world. It was a great series.

At times, the creature-of-the-week Buffy was fighting would have a complicated backstory. This is particularly true for Marcie (from Season 1, Episode 11, “Out of Mind, Out of Sight”). At the risk of spoiling an episode that you have had 27 years to watch (what are you waiting for?!?!), Marcie is a teenage girl who is so ignored and unseen by her peers that she turns invisible. Trouble ensues, until the FBI discovers her and adds her to their army of invisible people turned secret agents.

I was reminded of this episode recently while reading Dr. Jody Carrington’s Feeling Seen: Reconnecting in a Disconnected World. This book isn’t my usual style, and when a friend recommended it to me, I was reluctant. (It seemed a bit "huggy "to me, and I am not huggy). But I decided to listen to the audiobook on a work road trip, and it resonated with me much more than I expected.

Carrington argues that in a busy world that fosters disconnection, we aren’t truly present for each other. The result is that many people feel unseen, unappreciated, and exhausted. She writes, “The problem is, we’re fucking tired. All the yoga, kale, and getting your water in doesn’t address what we are wired for: connection. To other people.” (I always enjoy a writer who feels free to swear. I assume we would be friends.)

Listening to the audiobook, I found parts ringing true for academia. Some (perhaps many) people in academia are fucking tired. Some (perhaps many) people in academia feel disconnected. And some (perhaps many) people in academia feel unseen.

And so, inspired by Carrington’s work, I have some ideas on how we might better "see" each other in the academy. And that is what today’s small thing to try immediately focuses on.

One Small Thing to Try Immediately: Implement a “feeling seen” strategy

In April, I wrote about how academia is part of our larger contemporary burnout culture. Drawing on Jonathan Malesic’s The End of Burnout, I discussed the importance of considering how academic culture contributes to individual experiences of exhaustion and overwhelm. Carrington’s emphasis on the need for connection builds my thinking on this topic.

While academic disciplines and institutions vary, academia often has a high degree of competitiveness and individualism. We prioritize and reward outcomes (publications, grants), with less attention to relationships with students, community, or each other. (For a refreshing argument to adopt a different approach in teaching, see Peter Felton and Leo Lambert’s Relationship-Rich Education: How Human Connections Drive Success in College.)

In this individualistic context with its closed office doors and lack of regular connections, we don’t see each other. As a result, we are often unaware or un(der)-appreciative of the efforts that we are each putting forward, the challenges that we are each bearing, and the victories that we are each achieving. We are just too fucking busy. It brings to my mind another 90s classic, this time in the musical sphere: “Ants Marching” by the Dave Matthews Band: “People in every direction, no words exchanged, no time to exchange them.” Indeed.

In not seeing each other, we also often feel unseen ourselves. Our efforts feel unvalued, our challenges feel unappreciated, and our victories feel uncelebrated. So what is the solution? How do we feel seen in this context? And, just as importantly, how do we see our academic colleagues who have the same need to feel seen?

Carrington argues that acknowledgement is key to feeling seen. She writes, “When you are acknowledged, you will rise.” This seems like a good place to start, and here are some things to try:

(1) Start with empathy and give others some grace. It is easy to feel overlooked or underappreciated in a fast-paced disconnected world in which we regularly overlook and underappreciate each other. But the reality is that everyone is dealing with their own shit these days. The world is a lot. As I have gotten older, I have found it helpful to assume that everyone is struggling with something (be it a devasting personal loss or simply a bad case of hemorrhoids) that prevents them from being capable of fully showing up in the ways I might (without their agreement or consent) assume they should. That assumption pushes me towards empathy, which is usually a good starting place. Once you have an empathy mindset, you can consider the next step, which is to…

(2) Identify what you want acknowledged. If you are feeling unseen, dig into that a bit. What exactly is it that you want to be acknowledged? Is it an action, an outcome, an effort, a circumstance, or a contribution? Write this down. (Example: “I do a large amount of service for my department that serves the collective good and I feel this should be acknowledged.”)

(3) Identify from whom you want to receive acknowledgement. Who do you want to acknowledge your action, outcome, effort, circumstance, or contribution? It is tempting here to be general. “The university.” “My discipline.” “My department.” Are there particular people that you can narrow this down to? Who exactly do you want to feel seen by, and why? Write this down. (Example: “I want my department chair to acknowledge that I do a large amount of service for my department that serves the collective good. I want this because I feel my efforts go above what my service obligations require.”)

(4) Identify how you want your action, outcome, effort, circumstance, or contribution to be acknowledged. For some people and in some situations, a genuine ‘thank you’ or ‘good job’ is enough to feel seen. For other people and in other situations, it takes more — a thank you card, a formal letter from the dean, a departmental email announcing an accomplishment, a party, or an award nomination. (I feel seen when cupcakes are part of the equation.) Identify exactly what you would like from the person you want to feel seen by, and why this particular form matters to you. (Note: acknowledgement does not mean ‘compensation’, though it may be a step towards that in some circumstances.) Write this down. (Example: “I want my department chair to sincerely thank me for doing a large amount of service for my department that serves the collective good. I want this because I believe he is unaware of how much time and energy this work takes.”)

(5) Decide if you want to ask for the acknowledgement and/or find other ways to feel seen. In my last newsletter, I wrote about taking up more space in academia. Here is a chance to do so. If it feels safe, ask for what you want or take steps to communicate your action, outcome, effort, circumstance, or contribution. (Continuing the previous example: have a conversation with the department chair to describe your service work and how it serves the departmental collective good.) If it doesn’t feel safe or appropriate to ask for the acknowledgement you want, explore other options for you to feel seen.

“But wait, Loleen,” you might be thinking, “I shouldn’t have to ask for this! They should see my action (or outcome, effort, circumstance, or contribution) on their own and acknowledge it. This just shifts the labour to me!” To this, I respond: yes, dear reader, you are right. But see point one above. Everyone is dealing with their own shit these days. The world is a lot. So give others some grace and assume that they intend to see and acknowledge you but are simply at their limit. Which brings me to my next step…

(6) Consider your own acknowledgement gaps and address them. Just as others may not be seeing and acknowledging your work, you may be failing to see the work of others. Think about who might appreciate your acknowledgement. Of particular note here: anyone you supervise (grad students, postdocs, direct reports), university staff (whose often uncelebrated work makes your work possible), your colleagues and coauthors, and your unit/department leader. Give yourself some grace for not acknowledging their work (like everyone, you likely have a lot on your plate), and then address it. A simple email — “Hi Joe, I just want to acknowledge your commitment to department service and tell you how much I appreciate it. Your work means a lot to us. I feel lucky to have you as a colleague.” — can go a long way in making someone feel seen.

(7) Prioritize building connection and community in academia. There is growing awareness of and attention to the importance of social connection. (Indeed, the World Health Organization has a commission examining social connection as a global health priority.) We all need social connection, including connection at work. Yes, this requires effort and time. But most good things require effort and time. Carrington writes, “the answer, in fact, does indeed start with us. Not with just the bullshit “self-care” strategies, but with the simple understanding and acknowledgement of just how much it takes to show up for each other.” So attend that departmental get-together. Listen to and learn about what others are working on and dealing with. Acknowledge these things and allow others the opportunity to do the same for you. These connections and acknowledgements can go a long way to help all of us feel seen.

Until next time…

I deeply appreciate you for reading my work — thank you for being part of my world. If you are inclined to do so, please share Academia Made Easier with your colleagues. I aspire, in small ways, to help us all work collectively to make academia an inclusive and welcoming place. By sharing Academia Made Easier with others, you help to extend the conversation, and I appreciate that.

Stay well, my colleagues. 

P.S. For northern hemisphere colleagues who are feeling that “oh shit, it is the end of summer, WTF” panic, please check out my past newsletter, “How to feel good about what you accomplished over the summer.” (Bonus: it includes an adorable photo of my cat Bandit!) As my own summer has been sidetracked by personal and family illness, I might just give it a re-read myself!

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Have you got your copy of my new book, For the Public Good: Reimagining Arts Graduate Programs in Canadian Universities? If not, please order it now (and/or ask your university library to get a copy), be sure to sign up for the related Substack “Reimagining Graduate Education”, and note that my coauthors and I welcome invitations to work with units to implement the book’s ideas! Reviewer feedback of note:  

• “It is the kind of quietly good book we need to see more of. … This book provides a very solid description of the process of defining and developing excellent, sustainable arts programs that serve students rather than academics. And not only is it dead-on in terms of its recommendations about how to design and evaluate programs, it has a lot of helpful matrices and worksheets to help those who are put in positions requiring them to do exactly that … More like this, please." - Alex Usher

• “Nearly half the book is dedicated to charting a transformative course for liberal arts departments.... If For the Public Good can provide the impetus for social sciences and humanities departments to refine their graduate studies programs, the career outcomes for tens of thousands of grad students will be the better for it. That alone would move the needle on Canada’s public good problem." - Literary Review of Canada